I’ve been thinking a lot about duality. Mainly in the context of myself. It may sound a bit vain, but after spending the majority of 2021 learning about myself, my habits, my thought patterns, and my inner being, I’ve discovered that I’m a complete paradox. 

Over the last few years, I’ve moved up and down the east coast of Australia. Every new town I used as an opportunity to reintroduce myself to the world. As I learned more about myself, I took advantage of the new audience to fully express myself in, what I thought, was a brand-new way. 

Now, as I edge closer to the day that I return to the town where I really explored who I was for the first time, I’m wondering who I’ll reintroduce myself as. Or, if I can at all.

One side of me is drawn to bright colours, the beach, tanned skin, and afternoon beers over burgers. This woman wakes up in the morning, takes her liquid probiotic and spends the afternoon practising yoga on a sunlit balcony.

The other side of me is drawn to leather blazers, late-night music, vodka and enlightening conversations in the smoker’s area. This woman gets lost in the crowd, sways to smooth bass lines and has a staggering coffee addiction. She also got punched in the face moshing and has a scar on her leg from another separate moshing incident.

I wonder if it’s possible to be both people. To exist in-between the personas, I feel so comfortable embodying. They are both me but are also each other’s opposite. 

The definition of duality is “an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something.” I feel I’m a dual creature. Constantly balancing between two different personas. I could trace this duality to my Gemini rising sign. Or possibly my ESFP personality type, who are said to follow their hearts and act on how they feel in the moment. 

Our society loves to label people. To fit them into categories that define who they are and why they do what they do. In school, we could be defined (by some) by what ‘group’ we belonged to. But what about the people who didn’t fit into any one group? The people who knew everyone and changed who they ate lunch with every day? 

Unconsciously, we place ourselves into the boxes and for years, I never really found a box to put myself into. To some, I was a bookworm, to others I was a cinephile. One day I’ll write about a new experimental band, the next I’ll write about the most compelling shows at New York Fashion Week. During the day I’ll wear an oversized yellow blouse over a aubergine bikini and at night I’ll wear a leather blazer, heavy combat boots and my favourite Levi’s. 

Thinking about this has made the word duality etch itself into the walls of my mind. I never placed a label on myself, but when you’re about to make a first impression on someone, you want them to remember you in some way. Associate you with something in their lives. 

Each city I’ve moved to, I’ve made an intentional impression on people, based on who I thought I was at the time. Now, as I debate what impression I want to leave on new people, I can’t seem to decide on one. 

I want to be both sides of myself, not just with the people I meet in different situations, but with everyone. I want everyone to know I’m ready for a lazy picnic in the sunshine, but I’m also ready for a stiff drink in a dimly lit bar that’s blasting Bass Drum of Death. I want them to know I’ll paint my nails sky blue but will only wear a wine-stain lip colour. 

I am softness, but I’m also grit. I am light, whilst also being completely tinted. I’m perky, but I can also be heavy. I’m all of this, but depending on how and when you meet me, you may only know me as one, or the other. 

But I’m not one, or the other. I’m both women all day, every day.